The C Word: 2014

I have a really, really bad memory. I can’t remember one happy holiday spent with close friends or family before I moved out after high school. I’m sure there was some semblance of joy in these yearly occasions but I don’t recall any feelings… good or bad. I do vividly remember the year my mom said we weren’t getting a tree. My two brothers,my sister and I took it upon ourselves to get one. I don’t remember any of us bringing an ax. I do remember how freaking cold it was, right out of a Norman Rockwell scene. It could be titled “Poor black kids”

According to some psychological study (or a 100), humans tend to blank out or erase negative thoughts and experiences from the easier reaches of their minds as a defense against insanity, just like Wile E. Coyote opening an umbrella as a huge rock shadows his ultimate demise. I don’t think that’s the case with my missing memories but who knows. I think I was just born fully formed and mom decided it would be best if no one ever knew. And the thought of me having such a shitty childhood without any happy memories is just too damn depressing.

I do remember the pivotal moments though…tripping to Pink Floyd(in my friends attic),losing my virginity (to a serial polygamist), driving my first car (‘67 Mustang), stalking my first cowboy(he was from Montana), my first time in Ptown. It’s the in-betweens that I have trouble with. I don’t remember ringing in the new year 2014 or saying goodbye to 2013 although I do recall hearing my husband snoring as that crappy excuse for a ball dropped.

The first 6 months of 2014 are a blur of inconsequential events. It was cold then came the January thaw and then cold, freezing cold again. I think there was snow and then rain and green stuff on the ground and the trees, etc. I’m not really remembering any of this happening but it must have because that’s what seasons do.

I do remember June 6, 2014. That’s when the year actually began. And my life was forever altered. I remember the shock, the blame, the sheer and total ridiculousness of the whole situation. Ah…to reminisce about days gone by…is as pointless as counting down the months until I’m considered “cancer-free” (56 months).

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